By scientist, I mean me, of course. And following that logic, by discovered, I mean pulled completely out of my ass. But anyway, knowing what I know about our US Presidents (California public school graduate thankyouverymuch) I can safely determine EXACTLY which website would be the online hangout of choice for all of them. My favorites are below.
George Washington was our first President. It’s only fitting to give him the first successful social network, the one that really showed America (and American businesses) how the internet could be exploited to gather new customers and marketing eyeballs. George really wasn’t our best President. He was just the man everyone wanted, because no one really knew who else to pick. And that’s how millions upon millions of AOL customers started too. They got a disk in the mail, said “Why the hell not?” and pulled the trigger. FFS, my mother still has an AOL.com email. So here’s to our founding father, with the founding social network.
When the British invaded and sacked Washington DC, Thomas Jefferson and 300 Spartans bravely stood their ground at the Library of Congress and defeated king Xerxes of York in the War of 1812. Or something like that. Public school grad, remember? No, in truth, the British managed to trash DC pretty severely, including destroying the nation’s first book repository, the Library of Congress. Jefferson was an avid reader, and had one of the largest private collection of books in the Western Hemisphere. He sold as many as 3000 of his books to the US to help them rebuild their destroyed collection when the war was over. If he were alive today, you can bet your sweet Southfarthing Leaf he’d not only be a huge Amazon fan, he’d probably be on their Board of Directors. And really, really old.
Calvin Coolidge was a man of few words. Excruciatingly few words. Take the exact opposite of any of today’s airbags, and you have Coolidge. A man once came up to Coolidge and said “I bet my wife I could make you say three words.” Coolidge stared at the man for just a second, then said “You lose.” Knowing this delight at short messages that are straight to the point it is no surprise that Coolidge’s social media of choice is Twitter. Twitter (in case you live under a rock) only allows 140 characters at any one time. And that includes the person’s name you might be talking to. Which explains why @JohnJacobJingleHeimerSchmidt doesn’t get a lot of follows.
George W. Bush
I like George W. Bush. He’s not a great President, but he did his best to help unite the country and focus us on a common goal when tragedy struck during his administration. But you get the feeling he’s the kind of guy who had really hoped his entire presidency would have been opportunities to look at funny cat pictures. Cheezburger is one of the oldest and most prestigious collection of silly pictures. I think GW would have spent a long, long time here. It’s possible he actually did. He might be on Cheezburger RIGHT NOW.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman. These women? Hell yeah. I wrecked these ones.
The only scandal anyone will ever remember about Bill Clinton’s presidency is the one that got him in hot water with Congress the worstest: the sex scandal with Monica Lewinski. See, despite everyone knowing that Bill had been sleeping around with every girl who’d drop trou at the phrase “Hey, I’m the governor/President/King of America,” no one knew knew until Paula Tripp and Monica Lewinski stepped into the picture. Ok, maybe Bill didn’t use Adult Friend Finder when he was in office, but I bet that’s only because he didn’t need to. These days, who knows how much time he spends logged in there?
All the Internets
“We’ve hooked up every computer ever created on earth to your newsfeed, Mr. President.”
“Excellent. Now set up my Tivo so it will record it all.”
“All of it. Or I find a way to regulate the internet, too.”
Oh come on. You had to know I was headed here. Right? The TSA knew.