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Inside the Computer

Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Sixteen, The Shire


Spamwiser’s Journal:

I came home from my minstrel training in Bree with a renewed sense of purpose, a bolstered resolve, and faith that what I am doing is good, important, and worthy. I also had a small fortune in coins earned singing for my keep at the Prancing Pony that I added to the coinage uncle Kablooey had sent.


So I bought a house.


And then I fished.


Then I put my big-hobbit pants on, and rode to Brockenborings.

Bounder Primstone told me that when the hobbits had broken through the wall in the Scary Quarry, he had seen a skull in the darkness that looked just like Golfimbul’s. He was certain, but of course, since I’m the only hobbit with experience fighting giant spiders — he wanted me to go check it out for him.

Hobbit, I have to tell you. These spiders breed FAST...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Fifteen, Greenfields


Spamwiser’s Journal:

Wow! My Da’s closest friend, the great wizard Kablooey Destructicus, sent me a care package! It had money, a nasty looking dagger, and some magical trinkets that he made for me. The money’s enough to buy a house.. when this goblin business is done, maybe I’ll go buy one now. But for now, there’s the goblin problem to solve.


First thing in the morning, I made my way to the copse of trees where the rangers of the Dunedan make their camp. There I met Halros, who confirmed my suspicions: the goblin threat was immediate and severe. He recommended we split up and do as much damage to the goblins  as we could, then regroup.

I checked my equipment, and headed north.


This time, instead of taking the northeastern side of the greenfields, I stuck to the northwestern end, and t...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Fourteen, Michel Delving


Spamwiser’s Journal:

Just a short entry today. I stopped by the auction house today, to find my Da, and show him a crossbow I made out of rowan today, to let him know I was ok, and to tell him about what’s been happening in the north. His eyes brightened immediately — not only at the fact that I’m finally on an adventure, but because he loved the crossbow!

“Oh my,” he said. “Khazakarthur will shower you with wood. He collects it, but has no use for it.”

Sure enough. Later in the day, a dwarfish wagon rolled into Michel Delving with my name on it. I spent the rest of the day carving and shaping wood. My instructors in the guild were so impressed with my progress, they let me move from ash to yew!

I had original gone to Michel Delving to ask the Scholar’s Guild members if they knew anythi...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Thirteen, Brockenborings


Spamwiser’s Journal:

My Da, Spamwise Hamgee, told me that when he went on his impossible voyage to another world, there was never a time when he felt right. He always longed to be back in the Shire. At the same time there were things he found he was really good at, and when he finally returned home, he sometimes missed those things too.

I believe that when my adventure is over — if I survive it! — I shall miss the killing of goblins.


Maybe it’s because they’re so much fun to kill. Maybe it’s because they deserve to die. Maybe it’s because I’m just so doggone good at it. I found a goblin camp north of Brockenborings and set the entire place ablaze. I cut them down, singing as I went, and my voice was strong, and the magic in it was powerful. I killed every single goblin I saw.

Except one.

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Twelve, Scary


Spamwiser’s Journal:

I cut through the Bindbole Wood to get to Scary, and was attacked by goblins. Many times.


Each goblin I killed fed a growing fear in me: the Shire is in great peril. I have been outside the Shire, and seen entire villages burned to the ground in a single night, and none of the hobbits I passed seemed to have any idea of the trouble we’re in. When I reached Scary, I looked down, and all I could think was “This town is completely undefended.”


Not only that, but I found they had even more pressing crises than goblins(!) The miners had broken through a wall and unleashed a massive horde of giant spiders. I had experience with this, from my battles with Iornath. I headed into the mines.

There were spiders aplenty, including two gigantic queens, but none were as big and f...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Eleven, Tookland


Spamwiser’s Journal:

I went to the Great Smials in Tookborough today to learn more about Bullroarer Took, and the battle of the Gladden Fields, where he slew a great goblin and invented the game of golf. As I browsed the books there, the librarian asked me to help with a bear problem behind the Smials. He is concerned about the ghost of the Old Took perusing the stacks.


While I was out back, I found a lost pig, and took her back home.


I thought about how this had all started. In Archet, when the Blackwolds attacked the town. No, even before that. The dark riders. They had been the hidden force behind the Archet invasion. Could they be responsible for the spread of the goblins in the north of the Shire? They had been looking for Baggins. Certainly not that buffoon Mundo...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Ten, Tuckborough


Spamwiser’s Journal:

I woke up with an intense desire to not be an adventurer, not be a bounder… just be a hobbit. My thoughts from yesterday still weighed on my mind, and I wished I’d never gone to Archet, nor up to Scary. I had to find something to take my mind off these things. So I went to Blossom Proudfoot, the Mistress of the Crafting Guilds, and asked her what I could do that was both useful and mindless, so to speak.


She asked what I liked to do, and I said “play my music,” of course. Then she challenged me in a way I never considered: I could learn woodworking, and make my own instruments.



So today, I began the journey to woodworking mastery, and set off to chop, finish, and build with wood.  I chopped wood, and made a short, stout bow. This will be fun...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Nine, Waymeet


Spamwiser’s Journal:

I am haunted by the fact that in my run around the Shire yesterday, I saw hobbits north, in Scary and Overhill who both were afraid of goblins. Goblins! There haven’t been goblins in the Shire since Bullroarer Took drove them out ages ago. And yet… I met hobbits who had seen them. I found one myself, and brought him down with my song.

Today I decided that if I was going to wear the cap of a bounder, I best take my duties seriously, and see what I could do to help the gentlehobbits and lady hobbits around me. If the dark times that have come to Archet are coming to the Shire, then maybe I’m not the adventurer my Da was, but I can damn sure stick my blade where it belongs.

Of course, that meant closing up shrew burrows…


Collecting wayward chickens…


In fact, after chasi...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Seven, The Delving Fields


Spamwiser’s Journal:

Mail delivery!


Well, I never thought something like mail delivery would be a career, but after those harrowing experiences in Archet, delivering the mail seems more up my alley. Postmaster Proudfoot has me delivering packages across the Shire… I just have to take care that nosey hobbits don’t waylay me and make me late. It’s tougher than it sounds!


I did feel that my experience needed to be put to good use, though. I went and joined the Bounders — the hobbits who help maintain the Shire’s safety for hobbitfolk. I got a neat feather cap to go with it. I wonder what kind of tasks they’ll put me through?


The mail took me all over the Shire. I went from the Delving Fields to Waymeet, all the way out to Needlenose, then back to Michel Delving...

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Spamwiser’s Journal: Level Six, Archet


Spamwiser’s Journal:


I forced myself awake from the Lady Galadriel’s dream. The Blackwolds were not going to wait until morning to attack Archet. They meant to do it this very night! I had to talk to a man named Atli Spider-Bane, who said we could block the east wall to prevent them from infiltrating that way. A stout wall plus the spiders who thrive in that canyon would kill the Blackwolds out. I went with him to inspect the wall.


A few spiders (few? This place was downright infested!) tried to stop me, but I found it a great time to practice my growing magical music powers. I found a dead Blackwold. They had tried to get in this way, but the spiders had proven to be too much for them.


Jon Brackenbrook and the other hunters went with me to try and defend Archet...

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